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The Filmhead Glossary

  • ACTION CENTRAL- Hong Kong cinema circa 1980-1990

  • ANGINA- morbidly obese patron who blocks the row by sitting the aisle seat.

  • ART-PORN- 60 and 70’s subtitled films with naked woman.

  • BEELZEBUD- marihuana (sic). The Devil’s weed.

  • BELLYFLOP INTO SLEAZEVILLE- when good films turn bad.

  • B.I.F.F.- acronym for Beck’s Incredible Film Fest, the fest formerly known as the Incredibly Strange Film Festival also see I.S.F.F.

  • BLAXPLOITATION- 70’s American genre geared toward urban African American audiences

  • BLUBBER-SCOPE- term coined by fx maestro Ray Harryhausen to describe the plethora of meaningless gimmicks cashing in on his legendary ‘dynarama’ technique.

  • BO PEEP- patron who arrives late and blindly tries to find companions in the dark.

  • BOFFIN JOE- cretinous geek who only goes to movies to check the latest special effects.

  • BOLLARDS- pair of ushers ripping tickets. Also see VILLAGE IDIOT.

  • BOTTOM FEEDER- person who scrounges popcorn left on seats after session

  • BURIED ALIVE- front row seat.

  • CATFIGHT- see WOMANO A WOMANO.

  • CATTLE CALL- Saturday night queues

  • C.F.C- cafe film critic.A national pest who holds court in art-lobster cafes, whose moronic opinions deplete the ozone.

  • CHEESY- unspecial effect or production value that smells of the olde roqueforte.

  • CHIEF CENSOR- fork-tongued sayer of the law who takes the fun out of movies.

  • CHOP SOCKY- kung fu. Also see CHUAN FA.

  • CHUAN FA- the correct term for kung fu. Also see CHOP SOCKEY.

  • CHUMP CHANGE- The pennies you get back after shelling out for overpriced candy bar junk food.

  • CINE-LITERATE- a nonsensical, meaningless oxymoron.

  • CORN DOG- a popcorn junkie

  • CORPSICLE- patron who stays in the cinema till the end of the credits.

  • CRINKLY- patron who opens crisp packets noisily during the movie.

  • DEAD RINGERS- patrons who leave their mobile phones on during movies.

  • DEAFULA- able-bodied person who sits in the seat reserved for the hearing impaired.

  • DEEP THROAT- heavy breather who ruins your movie experience.

  • DO A CHRIS WALKEN- the secret art of walkin' into multiplexes without paying.

  • DOLBY STEREO-sound system installed in cinemas to prevent audiences from falling asleep during movies..

  • DOUBLE DIPPING- walking out of one movie and straight into another without paying.

  • DRY HEAVES- yesterday's popcorn resold as fresh.

  • DUTCH OVEN- a cinema without air conditioning during the height of summer.

  • 8MM- John Holme’s equipment at the moment of his conception.

  • ECLIPSE- person who arrives late, sits in the seat in front of you, blocking your view of the screen.

  • ENEMASCOPE- poorly projected Cinemascope.

  • FANGI-CUFFS- when two vampires battle.

  • FANGS AHOY- when vampires attack.

  • FILM WANKER- sitting alone in a cinema watching the movie.

  • FLATFOOT- patron who arrives well into the movie and squeezes past you.

  • FLESH-OPERA- regional nudie with soap opera elements eg THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE BEAUTIFUL

  • FLESHPOTS- attractive young women, usually naked.

  • FOUR-STAR PRESSKIT WHORE- a film reviewer who routinely doles out top marks to every film seen.

  • FOUR-STAR TOE CURLER- a movie that is better than sex.

  • FRUG- to dance maniacally.

  • GAFF- a blooper.

  • GHOST OF BRUCE LEE- patron who sits behind you and kicks the back of your seat.

  • GHOULIES- testicles.

  • GOSLINGS- middleclass honky movie tourists who ruin film festivals with ignorant bourgeoisie titters.

  • GRANNY-VISION- indie film, typically Irish, that zeroes in on, and panders to the Blue-Rinse Brigade demographic.

  • GRAVEYARD-a bar at a multiplex.

  • GWAILO- disparaging term used by Asians describing tiny gangs of Caucasian “action central” genre nerds who go to every Hong Kong screening.

  • HAIRY HORNDOG- an actor in a gorilla suit.

  • HALLUCINOGENIC HYPNOVISION- startling gimmick devised by director Ray Denis Steckler to bring his movie THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES

  • WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED UP ZOMBIES off the screen and into the audience’s lap.

  • HAM’n’CHEESE –a film experience full of hammy acting and cheesy production values.

  • HARPIES- young girls, who talk throughout the feature, oblivious to other patrons.

  • HBO MOVIE- a movie experience ruined by the close proximity of a patron with Heinous Body Odour.

  • HIGH NOON- the act of getting stoned and attending a midday session.

  • HIRSUTE ZIPPERBACK-man in a hairy monster suit, typically a werewolf.

  • HONKYWOOD- the Caucasian Mafia in charge of Hollywood studios.

  • HOOFERS- group of patrons who wait for the opening titles to begin before realising they're in the wrong cinema and leaving.

  • HORROR HORN- horn used in cinemas to warn audiences of upcoming scenes that may cause distress.

  • HOT CROSS BUMS- patrons (usually arriving late and in pairs) who choose to sit together on the aisle steps rather than separately in single seats. The term derives from the deep horizontal welt bisecting the vertical crack of the human posterior that arises from perching on the sharp edge of a step for ninety minutes. The most timid species of patron, they never complain about paying twelve bucks to sit on the floor (!!!)

  • ICONS- a film’s content reduced into iconographic form to aid patrons rendered illiterate by multiplex sclerosis. Also see MULTIPLEX SCLEROSIS

  • IMBROGLIO- similar to a melee, but more vicious.

  • INSTAMATICS- breasts, hence as in “…she flashed her instamatics”.

  • INTERMISSION.-The space between opening title and end credits of a Robin Williams movie.

  • IN FOCUS- a totally unobtainable dream when watching a movie in a multiplex.

  • I.S.F.F.- acronym for the Incredibly Strange Film Festival, an annual orgy for cine-fiends circa 1994-1999 before it morphed into Beck’s Incredible Film Festival in the first year of the twenty-first century. Also see B.I.F.F.

  • IT’S CHOCK FULL O’ NUTS TIME, BOY!- phrase (extremely obscure in origin) used by B.I.F.F. crew meaning “Do you want a cup of coffee?”

  • JOCKULA- annoyingly thrifty patron who makes a fine art out of making popcorn last throughout the entire feature.

  • KRAZYLEGS- a practitioner of bad kung fu.

  • LIL’ MAN TAITE- a giggling moron who heartily advocates leaving your brain behind before watching movies.

  • LOOKIN' THROUGH STEVIE WONDER'S EYES- total blackout in the cinema when the film breaks down.

  • LOVEBUMP- any onscreen penis smaller than John Holmes’.

  • LUNCHPACK OF NOTRE DAME- patron who sits next to you with a smorgasbord of junk food from the Kandy Bar.

  • LUNDY- 1.alcoholic drink consisting of 3/4 rum and 1/4 Diet Coke. 2. An award given to acting of a heinously hammy calibre.

  • MAJOR, UNEQUIVOCAL MINDFUCK OF LEGENDARY PROPORTIONS- a film to die for.

  • MARYJANE- marihuana (sic)

  • M.A.V.I.S.- acronym for Men Against Violence In Society, a mensgroup (sic) who have consistently opposed onscreen depictions of the olde ultraviolence. Also see ULTRAVIOLENCE.

  • McMOVIE- soulless, franchised Hollywood product of the 80s and 90s and present day.

  • McSLOB- patron who sneaks takeaway food into the cinema.

  • MELEE- similar to an imbroglio, but way less vicious.

  • MIDDAY COWBOY- patron who goes to 10am sessions and comes out before midday.

  • MONDO- revolutionary film genre initiated by the 60s Italian production MONDO CANE featuring real-life curiosities and oddities from around the world, ironically commented on by a (usually) unseen narrator. Mondo movies are the great grand-daddies of Reality TV.

  • MONSTERTHON- any movie where the monster gets more screentime than the stars.

  • MULTIPLEX SCLEROSIS- medical affliction caused by over-exposure to McMovies, symptoms include drooling, lack of cognitive memory, mindless repeating of reviewer’s quotes, utter lack of taste and judgement, halitosis of the soul and illiteracy. There is no known cure as yet, but help is available. Also see ICONS and McMOVIES.

  • NUCLEAR ENEMA- a movie so rancid that it causes involuntary bowel evacuation..

  • NUJE- a pestilent imbecile, a shiver looking for a spine to run down. Also see VILLAGE IDIOT and TORCH MONKEY.

  • NUMB-BUMMER- a movie so dull that your cheeks fall asleep.

  • OCTOIDAL TURKEY- the titular star of any giant spider movie.

  • ODORAMA-the smell of flatulence in the cinema.

  • O.M.I.N.Z.-acronym for Organisation for Morality In New Zealand, an extremist born-again splinter group who vociferously protest against sexual content in cinema. Also see NUJE.

  • OSWALD- annoying patron who aims red laser pointers at the screen during the movie.

  • PANADOL GRABBER- a headache-inducing movie.

  • PATENTED STOMP-ON-THE-MINIATURE DANCE- a setpiece sequence in which a zipperback krazylegs a model city to pieces.

  • PICKLES AND BEAVER- carny speak for guns and roses.

  • PIED PIPER- the first patron to walk out of a movie, whose action inspires others to leave en masse.

  • PINNOCHIO FLUTE- patron who whistles through their nose throughout the movie.

  • PORNO CHIC- term used to describe XXX genre’s initial appearance in the mainstream, when audiences were a 50/50 gender mix, more curious than sleazy. Also see DEEP THROAT.

  • PSYCHO-A-GO-GO- a psychotic state characterised by flailing arms, gyrating hips and spasmodic kicks.

  • PUCKEROO- Kiwi film (usually a directorial debut) so cringe-inducing that it causes a nuclear enema.

  • RUSTLER- patron who makes excessive noise opening confectionary packets.

  • SAINT PETER- a projectionist.

  • SAWBUCK- 100 bucks.

  • SCHLOCK- Z grade, cheap and trashy, inferior quality.

  • SCOPOPHILIAC- a peeping tom.

  • SEQUELITIS- contagious mental affliction that causes punters to sit through a sequel no matter how lousy it is. Also see MULTIPLEX SCLEROSIS.

  • 70MM- the average length of a male cinema patron’s genitals according to Masters and Johnston.

  • SHIRTH- the driver of a shirth-mobile. Also see SHIRTH-MOBILE.

  • SHIRTH-MOBILE- vehicle driven by a shirth. Also see SHIRTH.

  • SHOCKUMENTARY-morally hypocritical documentary produced solely to provide shocks.

  • SHORT EYES- single male patron who attends “adults at children’s prices” sessions solo.

  • SHORT FILM MAKER- a midget with a movie camera. Also see TEN POINTS!

  • SITTING IN CHRIS REEVES' LAP- able-bodied person who sits in a seat reserved for wheelchair-bound patrons. Also see: SUPERCHAIR.

  • 16MM- semi-professional equipment.

  • SLEEPER- 1.a surprise hit. 2. a Hal Hartley film.

  • SLOPPY SECONDS- disgusting practice established by plexes of recycling leftover cola, freezing it and reselling it as a slushy.

  • SNUFF- 1.apocryphal genre of film reputedly featuring actual death, purloined to fiends who’d outgrown porn and/or musicals. 2. Nasal tobacco.

  • SPACE INVADER- appalling new breed of patron who play games on their cell phones during movies.

  • SPAM IN A CAN- the despicable practice of allocated seating.

  • SPROCKETEER- film editor.

  • S.P.O.C.I- acronym for Society for the Protection Of Community Interests, a Wellington-based organisation which claims thirteen thousand (13,000 ) members who oppose the screening of French feminist film BAISE MOI at the 2001 B.I.F.F. Led by an Anglican Clergyman/Justice of the Peace, whose personal sense of moral outrage has driven him to lodge an application for an injunction in The High Court, based on the perceived damage to the nation’s moral fibre that will result if the film is screened to the greater public.

  • SUB LITERATE- imbecile who reads subtitles out loud.

  • SUPERBEINK- any atomic creature created by Bela Lugosi.

  • SUPERCHAIR- seat reserved for wheelchair-bound patrons. Also see SITTING IN CHRIS REEVE’S LAP.

  • SWEET SEAT- centre seat in the middle row.

  • SWORD AND SANDAL- Italian genre populated by musclemen wearing homo-erotic undertones.

  • TEN POINTS!- phrase uttered whenever a midget appears onscreen.

  • THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS- a projectionist.

  • TOOTHPICK SNAPPER- a film so somnambulistic that even toothpicks propped under eyelids snap under the strain.

  • TOPCOAT AND A VARNISH-a movie so boring it's like watching paint dry…on a cold, overcast winters day.

  • TORCH MONKEYS- ushers. Also see VILLAGE IDIOT.

  • TRIPLE THUMBS UP- better than two thumbs up.

  • UBER-SCHLOCK- beyond the fringe and the pale

  • ULTRAVIOLENCE- term invented by Anthony Burgess in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE describing violence of an ultralistic (sic) nature.

  • VIDEO NASTY- term coined by U.K. tabloids describing films that turn viewers into slathering serial killers. Also see LUNDY.

  • VILLAGE IDIOT- unhelpful staff member at Village cinemas also see BOLLARDS.

  • WHITE-OUT- when film breaks and the pure light of the projector illuminates the screen.

  • WOMANO A WOMANO- like mano a mano but featuring scratching hair pulling and rabbit kicks.

  • XXX - adults only.

  • ZIPPERBACK- a rubber monster suit. Also see HIRSUTE ZIPPERBACK.

  • ZONED MOVIE- film uncategorisable by conventional standards of critique.